Who am I? This is a question I have asked myself so many times. I honestly don't think I could tell you. I want to be able to tell you but I just don't think I can right now. I am not a lot of what I want to be. I am a woman that needs to get her shit together. I just don't really know where to start. The past 26 years I have not been very social, active or popular. I never really wanted to be popular. I just wanted to be liked and I wonder how well I have done that. I don't think many people dislike me but I am never one that gets invited places or asked out on many dates. Yet when it comes to dates, I have never been single for more than 2 months in the last 11 years. I hate that, I think I might be scared to just be alone. Which I think I really need. The only thing I know for sure is I don't like the fact that I don't have someone that I can have sex with. I know that sounds so stupid but I really love sex and never really cared if I had some sort of feelings for them. That being said I hate when I think something could happen but doesn't. I like to be the one in control of if I see them again or not. When that decision is taken away from me I get so nervous and attached. I hate that. I can go from saying that I just want causal sex and casual dating and then I think why isn't he texting me back. Why doesn't he love me. I know STUPID. If you haven't noticed yet I really do not care if I am being grammatically correct or not. I am just going to ramble and ramble until I think I have said all I have to say. Be prepared for just talk and talk. I wonder what I will have to do just to feel comfortable being with me. In the last 11 years I have dated and had sex with many people. I jump from one person to the next like nothing it seems and I just feel like I am just here to make others happy and I hate that because I know that it isn't true. I am my own person, I just don't know her. How do I find her? I don't know. I am listening to Eat Pray Love for the second time and I just wish I could find myself like she found herself. But I have no idea where to start. I do have depression, I believe anyway. A doctor told me that I didn't but he was very rude and tried to make me feel bad for not being a type of depressed that felt like I would hurt myself. Like how dare I say I am depressed. For example, since I don't have a boyfriend right now I have not left my bed since I got home from work at 3. That was 4 hours ago. I have literally just been laying here in bed wishing that a guy would text me back to let me know he is still interested in me. That isn't right. I am also thinking about all the other guys I have ever wanted to have a relationship with. Like going through a list wondering who would message me back if I were to send them a text. How sad is that? And it might not seem like it but I am the person people go to when they don't know what to do in their relationships. Ironic right?
